SUPERHERO
Oh, she thinks I’m a superhero,
But I cry myself to sleep,
She thinks I have it together,
But I can’t see,
Past this gloomy cloud,
It’s been following me,
For decades,
I feel like a clown,
With this fake smile as I run around,
I don’t see what she sees,
I fear I’ll never be,
Her superhero,
When death is all I see,
Would she be mad at me,
If I don’t survive?
Been crying all these nights,
The money is gone,
And I stand alone,
She wants a superhero,
But I haven’t grown,
I’m nothing but weeds,
But all she sees,
Is the courage in me,
I close my eyes,
As I think tonight,
How I want to fly,
To make things right,
I thought I’d be dead,
The day she was born,
Now all I feel is worn,
I’m no superhero,
But she can’t see,
Past the facade I carry,
She thinks I’m a role model,
One of the best,
But I haven’t passed a single test,
The sorrow I carry is deep and overgrown,
I’m nothing but weeds in the home,
My overgrown thoughts,
How useless I feel,
She wants a superhero,
But that superhero isn’t real,
I’m barely hanging on,
As time goes on,
One day I’ll fly,
One day I’ll be gone,
And maybe then she will see,
I’m no superhero,
I just can’t be,
With the scars on my skin,
And charcoal thoughts,
If only she knew,
The things that I’ve thought,
The blood that I’ve bled willingly,
To try to feel something,
All I see are mistakes,
But all she sees is cake,
My words are sweet and fake,
I told her I’d live for her,
But I don’t think I’ll make it,
A superhero has to be born,
All I am is just torn,
Torn between wanting life and death,
Sometimes it feels like I’ve got nothing left,
Then she looks at me with pride,
But all I can do is cry and hide.
Background: I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts and self-harm for several decades now. I’ve always said the only reason I haven’t done anything permanent is because of my little sister. There are fourteen years between us, and I’ve always tried to protect her from the world. Though she doesn’t know the full extent of things I’ve done to damage myself, she still sees me as her role model. She puts me on a pedestal as if I’m a superhero. I’ve always been terrified that one day she’ll see past my fake smiles and all of the “I’m fine.”‘s. There’s a lot of trauma that I’ve been through that she has no clue about. I just know I will never be the superhero she sees me as.